


i cannot breathe (let me be free)

by louisinundies



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Heartbreak, M/M, Mpreg, non smut, rated s for sad :(, the major character death was MY death goodbye, wanted to punch harry after this, wow i feel like trash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-15
Updated: 2014-06-15
Packaged: 2018-02-04 16:53:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1786324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louisinundies/pseuds/louisinundies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis is expecting, and Harry is not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i cannot breathe (let me be free)

**Author's Note:**

> this was sosoisosiooo sad it made me sit&think about life after i apologize
> 
> title from Breathe by Delilah

Forever seemed of a sure thing for Louis and Harry. 

They had their lives virtually mapped out for them since they were the mere age of nineteen, Louis, and twenty, Harry. Ever since Harry strolled into the shop the younger worked in and changed into a ridiculous outfit- a loose flannel, torn skinny jeans, and a horrendous bandana that was desperately trying to tame his unruly hair, yet failing. He asked Louis how he looked, receiving a, 'You resemble a run down looking Mick Jagger. ' Harry beamed and Louis informed him it wasn't a compliment. 

From then on it was them, always. They shared curious smiles, curt kisses, warm hugs, worn clothes, messy flats, and airy breaths. 

All Louis wanted now was to share a family. 

The two of them were currently in their early twenties, having started dating three years prior, and Harry was holding them down with a small job writing various reviews for different novels and so on. Louis, on the other hand, was in the midst of finishing up university from their flat, then hoping to receive a teaching degree. He loved kids, always wanted a lovely little family, hence forth why he was searching to propose this idea to Harry. Of course, he figured his boyfriend would be thrilled. They both shared the same dreams. 

Harry emerged from his study, which was only a small room that was previously the guest room, dressed in joggers that hung low on his hips and a simple cotton shirt that draped off his broad shoulders. His expression looked tired, lips looking bitten- he had a habit of nibbling on them while reading- and he looked in desperate need of shaving. Though, he brightened the slightest upon seeing Louis tucked up nicely on their couch, laptop perched on the arm and glasses on the bridge of his nose. 

The boy yelped when he was brought from his concentration on studies by Harry's arms wrapping around his hips and lips poised beneath his jaw, biting ever so slightly. Louis squirmed. 

"I've got homework, Harry." He persisted, light, though a smile blossomed on his lips. The lips pressed into his skin quirked into an obvious pout.   
"Baaabe." Harry drawled as his fingers rucked up Louis' shirt. Which was probably Harry's. "I'm all riled up now. You know how I love when you wear your cute little glasses." The words sent a pink to Louis' cheeks, and he swatted Harry's hands away persistently. Then after, he carefully shuts the laptop, setting it on the coffee table next to him and turning to the deliberate four year old who was rubbing his tummy. It only furthered his intentions to talk to Harry. 

"H, I actually wanted to talk to you about something..."

"Yeah, yeah, talk." Harry's already kissing up the length of his neck, sucking over now and again. "We'll talk after." 

Louis doesn't protest when he's hoisted into Harry's arms and carried to their bedroom. Not when he's dropped onto their mattress, not when he's got fingers twisting inside him slickly, and not when Harry breaches him bare. He only pants, and preens, and presses upward, breathing an endless stream of Harry's name. 

They don't talk after. They don't talk ever about it, actually, because Louis ends up sitting by their porcelain toilet a week or so later, vomiting and holding his stomach. Harry's still fast asleep from last nights antics of staying up late reading some new book, so he tries to keep quiet. But he can't prevent the tears that drop from his eyelashes and fall upon his cheeks, and he's not sure whether their happy tears or not. All he can register is that this must be it, he must have conceived the baby he's been hopeful for, and he sobs a while longer before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and standing, flushing the toilet and brushing his teeth as if nothing had happened. 

After two or three weeks, Louis decides he needs to speak up.   
He'd been anxious to say something, thinking of all the possible ways Harry could express his disgust for him. By now, Louis was positive this wasn't just a fluke, showing all the tell tale signs of him being expecting. Of course, he couldn't go to the doctor yet, because Harry would be sure to see the bill. He couldn't risk that. 

Louis skipped around conversations with Harry that night and resorted to one word replies or simple nods of his head. His tummy was twisting with a nervous feeling and he was constantly resting his hands on the skin and curling his fingers, then twitching his hands back when Harry asks what's wrong. He answers with a short 'nothing' and that's that. 

Finally, after they've eaten the takeout Harry ordered for them and are left cuddling on the couch, Louis speaks up timidly. 

"Hey, Harry?" 

The elder's fingers pause from where they stroke through the strands of Louis' hair, and he looks curiously down at him. Louis' heart clenches as he asks what's up. "I, uh, have something to tell you." He mumbles, and his hands are instinctively at his stomach again. Harry gives him a look as if urging him to go on. 

Louis takes a breath. Harry furrows his eyebrows. Louis clutches his stomach. Harry brushes his fingers across the boy's cheek. Louis feels the words tumble from his lips. 

"I'm pregnant." 

It's supposed to be cheerful, announcing that you're expecting a baby. Surely, that is cheerful news. But Louis' voice makes it sound weak and strained, and a horrible silence falls between the two. All that could be heard were their breaths, that were meant to be shared but are now separate and staccato, and the blur of some 80's show on their television. Time seems to slow in theory to Louis, and he can feel the tears welling. That is, until Harry speaks, dry mouthed. 

"That's wonderful." 

It's dry and bland, but Louis- in his haze- takes it much more meaningfully than meant and lets the dam break, breathing out in relief and searching for comfort against Harry's chest. 

"I was so worried you'd be angry with me. I'm so sorry, H. I'm sorry. But now we can start planning and we're going to have a baby and this is wonderful." The words are rushed and Louis' eyes are squeezed tight, holding onto Harry's shirt rather than his own stomach. He can't see Harry's dull expression, the way he stares at the wall before him with blank eyes. He can only hear Harry's dry mutter of encouragement.   
After a moment of Louis taking the deepest intakes of air and letting Harry hold him weakly, he speaks. "How about I go and get you some biscuits, yeah? You're favorite? I'll be right back." 

Harry's getting up before Louis can protest, kissing his forehead in a way that leaves the boy feeling cold after. The keys jingle in Harry's hand, and not long after the door clicks shut. So, Louis waits. 

And waits. 

And waits. 

And Harry doesn't come back. 

It was hard for Louis to fall asleep that night, not having his love's arms wrapped around him. It was even harder for him to wake. 

His eyes open unwillingly, and Louis stares at the ceiling a good while, refusing to move. The constant thrum of his heart was almost audible; thump, thump, thump. It was haunting. Abruptly, Louis sat up, and he screamed. Built up of anger and betrayal, he screams freely, and his chest heaves afterward. But never once does he cry. 

Scream after scream, he feels his sanity slip from him, until he's screaming Harry's name. In want. In despair. In love. In heartbreak. He screams until he looses his voice, until he's only breathing Harry's name. 

This breath, although, is not shared. 

As the days go by, the weeks follow, until it's months and Louis' pregnancy is progressing. He becomes more hormonal, looses his morning sickness for cravings, becomes more hyper sensitive, and- most importantly- becomes progressively heavy. Now his expecting is obvious and his small tummy has transformed into a baby bump.   
He lives on without the help of the baby's father along with him, and each day the sorrow furthers. Zayn speaks to him over the phone and tells him how unhealthy it is for him to be so stressed. He agrees, but there's not much Louis is able to do. He just wants Harry. 

Approximately 195 painful days later, at the dawn of midnight, Louis awakes with a sharp pain. He cries out, holding his stomach. In the back of his mind he sincerely hopes it isn't time. 

Unfortunately, the world doesn't care what Louis hopes for, because he receives more sharp pains in his lower abdomen and back, sending him howling. Faintly, he hears a knock at the door and Louis whimpers. There's no doubt in his mind he won't be able to move in the slightest. 

He tries to scream out, to tell the person knocking that he /can't/ answer the door, but the hollow sounds increase and as does Louis' screams. For the first time in just about nine months, he allows the tears to fall freely down his face and soon enough he realizes who he's calling out for. Harry, Harry. His constant sobs are all for Harry, and it makes him a he even more. The doorknob jiggles, and Louis cries, and the last thing he hears before he blacks out is a soothing voice whispering the constant, rushed words. "Breathe, Lou. Breathe.." 

Louis breathes with the last shred of acknowledgement that he has. He knows, now, that their breaths are no longer shared. For every breath that Louis will ever take, Harry will inhale it, and his heart will ache with what can only be regret.

**Author's Note:**

> sue me
> 
> my tumblr is louisinundies so ya


End file.
